There are 5 basic scourges afflicting today’s American; The Lawyer, The Insurance Salesman, The Car Salesman; The Realtor and The Banker. They have all learned how to make the “pretty talk” and sell their particular basket of goodies, but in the end, we realize they have promised nothing they can actually deliver; in quantity, with quality and on time.  The art of the hard sell becomes the doe-eyed apology when they break their promise to you.  Here’s my stereotypical breakdown of the Quintet of Evil:

1. The Lawyer – A man not far from his passing goes to a lawyer, unaccompanied, to make sure his will is set-up correctly.  He really has no assets but some personal belongings and a life insurance policy.  The policy will be split evenly amongst the man’s 4 children, after a smaller cut is set aside for the only grandson.  The man wants to be sure the only grandson is assured this small cut.  The lawyer, seeing his opportunity to gain a slightly larger fee beyond setting a simple will, notes in the will that the grandson’s cut is part of the will and not the insurance policy.  Not only does this hold up the payout to the children after the man’s passing but yields a gross fee of $2500 for the lawyer instead of $250 for setting up the will.  Who advises the client against the one who is supposed to be looking out for you?

2. The Insurance Salesman – A company has insured a woman for over 30 years; home and auto.  They have a personal relationship; a relationship that only requires a phone call to get immediate coverage.  The owner of the company is set to retire and has found what they feel are suitable stewards of their flock.  As the new company takes over, premiums begin to rise, hidden fees pop up and out of the blue, an adjuster has driven by the woman’s house and has written a threatening letter stating that the tree over the house must be trimmed and 6 year old shingles must be replaced or the policy is subject to non-renewal.  Then, when she calls to confront them, they conveniently do not answer the phone and to get to an agent, you must leave a message after an invitation to a Bible study and class. She leaves a message to have paperwork sent to correct flaws in the policy and nothing comes.  When the woman calls to find out why, she is told that agent is on vacation so another week of waiting ensues. This is acceptable business behavior?

3. The Car Salesman – “What are you looking at today,” or some other personal pretext with which to address a potential customer. Yes, so very helpful when it comes time to picking out a new or “new-to-you” vehicle. That Stepford Wife smile and nod as if they were actually listening to you.  They “hear’ what you’re saying, but they ever-so-gently attempt to herd you into a direction they would like to see you go.  When you settle on the vehicle, whether it is the one you came in for or not, the negotiation begins, and the heavy hand comes down.  Until you actually put a stop to it and tell them what you are willing to pay, what you are willing to take for your trade-in and what terms you will accept. Then they are gonna “work for you.” They will get the best price they possibly can but never actually give in to your bottom line; always forcing your hand to come up just a few more dollars and some change.  “Oh you can pick up cans on the side of the road in a matter of minutes to cover that monthly upcharge,” he wryly cajoles.  I’ll tell you what Mr. Intensive Care Lotion hands, how about YOU pick up those cans for me?

4. The Realtor – Probably the lesser of the 5 Evils but performs his dirty work in the form of NOT performing. You call because you would like to look at a house you saw on the internet or just happened to drive by.  They want to know initially of you are preapproved and then and only then, will they take an interest in you.  Most will not even show you a house unless you are preapproved. Then in front of your very eyes, they begin pulling up all kinds of houses just outside of your price range but close enough to make you think, “maaaaaaaybeeeeeeeee.” You sign up with them and they are your buyer’s agent and you go home with his promises of speaking to you in a couple days, they will send you many listings in an email or the worst, you’ve listed your house with them.  In either case, it takes a phone call to them to initiate any kind of contact, update or revision and the process starts all over with big talk on the front end and apologetic excuses on the back end. I…just…want…a…phone…call, that’s all.

5. The Banker – The bane of the common man’s existence.  The one that looks over your paperwork and unilaterally decides your fate.  Do you qualify for that mortgage; that home improvement loan; that loan to keep your family’s farm a float for one more season.  He doesn’t speak with you, he speaks at you, as if you were a stuffed bear dressed up and ready for tea at my grand-daughters backyard cotillion.  He sees your income-to-risk ratio is too close to the line so you then become a financial risk and you then get charged a higher interest rate because you are a poor risk at best.  He then leaves for lunch at the country club and changes his Out-of-Office status to reflect his absence for the rest of the day, all while holding that new Calloway driver in his hand he plans to use after lunch.  Enjoy your afternoon with Judge Smails.

Why do these 5 stereotypes make-up the Quintet of Evil?  What one set of circumstances makes them blood brothers, comrades in arms, leeches in the crotch of society?  We are all legally or ethically bound to employ them at one time or another and they know the value of the supply and the demand.  “Name Your Own Price!”  Well, they do.  The rub lies in that little understood premise of “Over-Promise, under sell.”  This is what allows them to seduce us into their web of lies and makes us feel beholden to them and their plan to lighten us of our monetary burden; that wallet that seems too thick to sit on without throwing our back out.  So if this is our hand of 5 card draw, make sure you are the aggressor, know what you want before you open that door to their office and don’t be afraid to ask for and fight for everything you want.  Your quality of life is the jackpot, don’t let them take that away from you.